my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i wish my penis had a tongue
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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