I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
