My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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