i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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