you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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