I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
