god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
this just has baby written all over it
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
