ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
