When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My bed smells like the plague
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