Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
