News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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