I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
