i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
