I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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