I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
