i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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