it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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