I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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