i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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