i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
