we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
