I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she peed on how many people?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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