Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
