i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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