just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
