i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
