i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
