Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
