Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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