Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
