meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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