Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
