Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
