Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
