Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
