this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
