that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
