Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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