your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
