i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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