Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
