I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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