I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
