someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
These tits shall not be calmed
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
