its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
