Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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