nut hugger
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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