Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
