if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
