You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Did I show you my penis last night?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
